SupeRugby is dead… Long live SupeRugby


In the face of dwindling crowds and general disinterest, SupeRugby seems to be at death’s door. The Grim Reaper himself is watching with horror, because he is, no doubt, a Crusaders fan, as the best rugby players in the world run out to play in front of a handful of die-hards with nothing better to do on a Saturday.

In the old days, when the Super12 ruled all and stadiums were full every weekend, Grim would no doubt have enjoyed his Saturdays spent watching Carlos Spencer and Justin Marshall running rings around the best the Free State Cheetahs had to offer. He would have grimaced with joy every time a fired up Willem Alberts careened through five Australians leaving a bloody path of despair in his wake.

But now? What Happened? You’re more likely to run into Grim at your local Builder’s Warehouse buying paint and chicken-wire than you are to find him at the local pub having a few beers watching the Sunwolves play the Brumbies in an anonymous stadium in Singapore…

So has Grim been sent the message? Has he been told to put SupeRugby out of its misery?

Not yet, probably, but then what do I know.

I don’t know much about how the Grim Reaper does his job… I do know a bit about how the SANZAAR guys do theirs though, and that is where the issue lies really. SANZAAR have become masters at flogging dead horses… (no offence to the Brumbies intended, or dead horses…)

First I need outline what made the Super12 so brilliant in the first place, in point form… Obviously…

  1. We got to  see the best teams and players from South Africa, New Zealand and Australia play against each other.
  2. The competition was simple, where all the teams played all the other teams, home and away.
  3. It took place over a reasonable period of time, 3 to 4 months, done and dusted vs the current format which seems to have no end and no beginning…
  4. It was fresh and exciting.

Now I’ll outline what is wrong with SupeRugby today

  1. The competition takes too long (see point 3 above).
  2. There are too many teams.
  3. There are too many local derbies, nobody cares about local derbies, nobody wants local derbies. That is what the Currie Cup and NPC and whatever Australia has, is for…
  4. The conference system does not work.
  5. Did i mention that nobody cares about local derbies?

And finally, how to make it great again!

  1. 12 Teams, 4 from New Zealand, 4 From South Africa, 3 from Australia and 1 Pacific Islanders team.
  2. Simplify the competition, no more conferences, all teams play all the other teams, home and away in alternating years, max duration of 3-4 months, so that the provincial competitions in the different countries can regain their value.
  3. No more local derby obsession!

The novelty has worn off, and the mistake SANZAAR have made is that they’ve tried to insert more novelty. That doesn’t work. That never works, you can’t take something stale and make it new by throwing some glitter on it and calling it a pig. No, you need to focus on what made it great in the first place! Great teams with great players playing against each other week in and week out. Adrenaline filled games where the result is always uncertain, where the team in 12th can beat the team in 1st on any given day. That is what I’d pay to see. I don’t want to watch the Sunwolves and the Rebels play mediocre rugby. I want to watch the best players from Samoa, Tonga, and Fiji take on the three big guns and win! I want to see the best take on the best. That’s how you fill your stadiums SANZAAR. You need to build up the suspense. People want to look forward to going to rugby! It needs to be an occasion! It can’t be just another game on just another Saturday in a never-ending stream of games on Saturdays.

“Ho-hum, I am going to rugby again, yawn…” And that is what has become of SupeRugby. It is “ho-hum”, there is no suspense, no excitement, no joy, I suppose. It is just… Blegh…





Few would  argue that Rahul Dravid and Sashin Tendulkar are legends in the game of cricket. The same is true of Graeme Smith and AB de Villiers or Ricky Ponting and Steve Waugh, Brian Lara and Shivnarine Chanderpaul.

And yet when people talk about the “greats” it is generally the Laras, De Villiers and Tendulkars that get all the attention. They are the stroke-makers, the cavalier entertainers, the crowd-pleasers… Children try to emulate them on the cricket field. They attempt the pretty cover drive and copy the pronounced back lift of their super hero.

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The stats tell a different story. Graeme Smith was not a pretty batsman. He did not play elegant cover drives. He did not light up the night with flamboyant shots like AB can.  What he had was an unbreakable resolve. He didn’t stroke the ball. He bludgeoned it. He didn’t carve up the field, he bent it to his will. He ended his test career with an average of 50, a mark of the greats of the game.

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Rahul Dravid was nicknamed “the wall” for his resolute defence at a time when India battled to win anything outside of the sub-continent. He racked up ten thousand plus runs during a magnificent career.

Chanderpaul played with Lara, and then continued well into his forties after Lara retired. He was probably the most awkward looking batsman I’ve ever seen. Everything about him was wrong. And yet he was the only West Indian batsman to consistently average above 45 in a dismal period for their cricket. He was the perfect example of “hard work beats talent”.

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So what am I getting at?

Lewis Hamilton is an amazing driver. He has all the talent in the world. He has the superstar image. He has the celebrity friends. Winning in a competitive car is what he does. It comes naturally to him. Much like Lara, Ponting, Tendulkar and de Villiers, he makes it look easy.  Few drivers in Formula 1 have what he has. I can name perhaps Alonso, Vettel and Verstappen of the current crop of drivers.

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Nico Rosberg has been racing Hamilton since they were teenagers. He does not have the same natural ability as Hamilton, but in 2016 he is Formula 1 world champion, not because he is the fastest or most talented, but because he has the will and determination to go out every weekend and race to the best of his ability. He does not give up. He focuses on doing everything within his power to be as competitive as he can. He is consistent. He is brilliant at communicating with his engineers. He does not crack under pressure.

We’ve seen many talented drivers come and go in Formula 1, Juan Pablo Montoya, Jarno Trulli, Alexander Wurz, Jean Alesi, and even Pastor Maldonado. All amazing drivers, capable of winning races on their day. None of them can call themselves world champion.

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He may not be as talented as Lewis, but through hard work and dedication he is and can continue to be just as successful.  He is a worthy Formula 1 world champion. Only 33 people have ever been able to call themselves that…



I was fortunate enough to win an advanced driving course courtesy of a show on the Ignition channel hosted by Marius Roberts called Speed Stars. Basically they take two South African celebrities or sportspeople and have them race each other in an Opel Adam S.  We were to be joined by some local celebrities, all of whom I, and most of the other competition winners, had never heard of, which probably made their day that much more enjoyable.

Shout out to Emtee, Miss Pru DJ, Zweli Dube, K Naomi, Tweezy and Slique, whoever you are…

I love driving. I may be a judgmental hypocrite when it comes to cars (all Hyundai i10 drivers are accident prone nervous wrecks and all BMW drivers lose the use of a hand whenever they’re in their car. That is why they can’t operate the indicators) but I love driving all of them. So, the thought of a day ripping around a skidpan, racetrack and a high speed oval filled me with many butterflies.

Butterflies in tow, my lovely wife dropped me off at King Shaka International Airport at 5 am, due to the obligatory ridiculous hour and a half before the flight requirement… I checked in at the self-check-in counter, took ten seconds, and then waited impatiently for my flight at Fego, because the SLOW lounge only opens at 6 am. I was served possibly the worst breakfast I’ve ever had to pay for in my life… But whatever, I was flying to Joburg for an advanced driving course!

The flight was uneventful. We landed at ORTI. I walked many kilometres looking for the shuttle-bus driver with his sign (Speedstars Opel), but I found I was at the wrong terminal, international arrivals, so I turned around. I eventually found him pretty much where I’d started my long trek around ORTI, terminal B. We waited for the other winners and then set off for the Gerotek testing facility.

Then we had to turn around because we’d forgotten someone behind.

Then we set off for the Gerotek testing facility again.

The crowd of competition winners were as varied as they were interesting. There were hard-core drag racers, 4×4 enthusiasts and ordinary people who entered for fun and just happened to win.

The taxi ride from the airport to the testing facility was probably the longest hour and a half of my life. The driver took the back roads to avoid the Etolls… Which is fair enough I suppose; I’d do the same thing.

The main car sponsor of the day was Opel. The cars available to us, 2 x Opel Adam S (110 kw), Opel Astra 1.4 (0 kw) and 1.6t sport (147 kw) and an Opel Mokka, the hatchback with platform shoes.  We got to drive all of them. The instructor for the day was an interesting guy also called Marius. He tests new cars, and hosts advanced driving courses. I want his job…

Well at least the first part of his job, I don’t think I am verbose enough to keep talking for 6 hours.

First up were the braking demonstration and the beginning of some of my frustration. I am not a patient listener. I never have been, I have ADD and can’t listen to people talk for more than twenty minutes without getting fidgety and bored. Instructor Marius, from Driving Dynamics, is a lovely man, but he talks a lot, as is evidenced by the sunburn, garnered while we were standing on the test track, outside the cars, listening to him.

I wanted to be in the car! I wanted to be slamming on brakes and testing the ABS and EBD and all the other fancy abbreviations, but I wasn’t. It was a great lesson though, your average driver in your average car has no idea how far it takes for a car at speed to come to a complete stop. If you’re travelling at 160 kph and slam on brakes you will not stop in time to avoid hitting whatever it is you’re trying to avoid. Speed is great, but under the right circumstances. It is not great when you’re driving past a school for example, or anywhere pedestrians and livestock regularly cross the road… Or if you’ve just watched a F1 Grand Prix and suddenly think you’re Lewis Hamilton and fancy a drive around the neighbourhood in your 320i.

At Gerotek there is a lovely little race track. The Dynamic Handling Circuit, I think it’s called.

After the safety talk and some more interesting anecdotes from Marius we set off. I started out in the Adam S, lovely little car, light, agile and quick. Marius’s assistant for the day, Ronaldo, stayed at the front and made sure that we didn’t go too fast, because the point of the exercise wasn’t to race, but to learn how to handle the car around twisty bends, and all that. Try telling that to a bunch of competition winners on a race track driving cars that aren’t theirs. I can’t speak for the other guys but I just wanted to keep going faster…

To be honest I think I had the most fun in the Opel Mokka, it was under-powered compared to the rest of the cars, and had a higher centre of gravity so was harder to drive quickly. My goal was to try keep up with the Astra 1.6 sport ahead by carrying higher corner speeds and using my brakes as little as possible… And I did!

My least favourite was the 1.4 Astra which was sluggish and too heavy for its engine.  I don’t think I got it out of third gear because it just wouldn’t accelerate…  The best car to drive was undoubtedly the Adam S. It felt almost like I was driving a front wheel drive MX5 and I’d have loved to have had another go in it, but by then everybody else had discovered what a great car it was and opportunities to drive it were scarce..

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After we’d all had our runs in the different cars Marius took us on a hot lap in the Adam S. I loved that too and, while the other winners were blown away that he could take the S-bends flat out, I convinced myself that I could too if I had a bit of time to practice. I didn’t get to test that theory fortunately, because if I was wrong I would have had a massive accident and wrecked a very fancy, and not cheap, little Opel Adam S.

We had a lovely lunch and afterwards went to the skidpan where we all got more sunburnt. The point of the exercise was to learn how to control skids under braking and emergency evasive manoeuvres and some more about the wonders of brake assisting technology.  Once again Marius explained it all very well, at length…

We got driving again and all I wanted to do was pull up the handbrake and slide the cars around, but that wasn’t allowed, so I did what the instructors told me to do. It turns out that I have some bad steering wheel habits that I need to correct.

Sadly we never made it to the high speed oval… Time ran out and we had to shuttle it back to the airport to catch our flights home.

It was a great day, something I could do every weekend in fact. Thank you Speed Stars, Khwezi, Marius Roberts and instructor Marius from Driving Dynamics for a brilliant experience.

Now, where am I going to find some money for a racing car…

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Springbok Trials



No, I don’t mean tribunals where the rugby public publicly lynch under-performing coaches and players.

What happened to the good old trial match? The simulated test match where the best 60 or so players in the country play against each other over two weeks to prove who is the best, and who is simply not going to cut the mustard…

Off the top of my head –

If I were coach I would pit the following teams against each other, based on what I’ve seen this year.

15Johan Goosen15Jesse Kriel15Clayton Blommetjies
14Bryan Habana14Courtnal Skozan14Travis Ismael
13Lionel Mapoe13Francois Venter13Nico Lee
12Rohan JVR12Andre Estherhuysen12Clinton Swart
11Lwazi Mvovo11Sergeal Petersen11Jamba Olengo
10Elton Jantjies10Pat Lambie10Inny Radebe
9Faf du Plessis9Francois Hougaard9Stephan…

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Marmalade Wielding Assassins and the Springboks


Often a massive catastrophe hits without warning. It comes out of the night like an assassin with many swords and a penchant for eating his targets eyes. Everyone is surprised, at least for a while. “How could this happen?” They say, and, “I really did not see this coming.”

Thing is though, they should have seen it coming. Why? Simply because they wronged a man who was renowned for employing eye-eating assassins to do away with those that vexed him.

So six months ago a nondescript person gets into a road rage incident with a member of the marmalade mafia, known for their brutal control of the marmalade trade in and around whatever city they happen to reside in. Said nondescript person tells the marmalade mafia boss to go f*ck himself and breaks the mirror off of his black Mercedes Benz panel van. Now this boss is well known, he does not take disrespect lightly.

And there you have it. An eyeless nondescript man in a shallow pit, dead and covered in onion marmalade.

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And so to the Springboks in 2016.

Alistair Coetzee’s team has the worst record of any Springbok team ever…

They’ve lost games to Ireland (fair enough, they’re playing amazing rugby this year), Argentina (Boks should have won), Australia (Boks should have won), New Zealand (twice), England, and now Italy (what!), and in the process has racked up stats that not even the most pessimistic parody site could have made up before the season started.

Everything seemed to be going “okay” until that horrible day in Durban when the All Blacks, after being disrespected by a bunch of twats in the crowd singing Ole’ Ole’, of all things, during the Haka, smashed them by 57 points to 15.

That seems to be the point at which the consequences for breaking off the marmalade mafia kingpin’s metaphorical mirror came to roost. Just prior they had managed to beat Australia at Loftus. Things seemed on the up. Something must have happened in the week between games, some event, incident or conversation that sparked a rather dramatic slide into abject mediocrity.

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The “gees” was gone… The will to play for the coach, jersey and everything else that goes with being a Springbok just didn’t seem to be there anymore. The backbone that Bok rugby is known for, that essence of power, aggression and die-hard grit was gone.

Come back Bakkies!

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Suddenly they were folding like a deck chair during the last quarter of their games. Suddenly they were losing to Italy, a team unlikely to challenge any decent SupeRugby side, a team that had never come within 16 points of beating a Springbok team, a team that had just copped 50 against New Zealand.

I cannot do it captain! The strain is too much!

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Who is to blame? What was that gees eroding incident that so utterly depleted the players’ confidence because the group of players currently wearing the Bok jersey are not bad enough to lose to Italy?

I wish I knew, then maybe this sticky mess would make more sense than my story about marmalade wielding assassins; but it doesn’t.  No amount of whining about non-existent coaching succession, player exodus, late appointments, injuries and whatever else can explain how the once mighty Springboks can lose to Italy.

SA Rugby has always had to deal with those things.

All of those players are top SupeRugby players. The Sharks had a diabolical draw and yet managed to match all the New Zealand sides and even beat the Highlanders away and the eventual champion Hurricanes at home. The Lions were in the final and deserved to be there.

It just makes no sense.



Last night I dreamed that, after Saturday’s horror show vs the All Blacks, the entire SARU board and all the so-called executives had resigned in shame and committed Seppuku.  I was ecstatic.

But then I woke up…

All those incompetent nincompoops are still employed and none of them has done the honourable thing and fallen on their own swords.

I don’t get too emotionally invested in sports results, unless I’m betting which I very rarely do. It makes no sense to tie my emotional well-being to the fortunes of a sports team. Many people do though, and I can tell you there are a lot of very angry people in South Africa after Saturday.

The Mighty Springbok has fallen, again… Not since 2002 and that horrible England loss has the Bok fan been so embarrassed.

I feel really sorry for coach Coetzee. He’s probably going to take the fall eventually. The big wigs up there at SARU certainly won’t…  Coetzee has been set up to fail from day one. He’s got a sevens player as his backline coach, and a defense coach with less experience at being a defense coach than the guy who put up the razor wire at my house the other day, and very little else. The only guy on his team that he actually wanted is Matt Proudfoot, forwards coach.

I’ve written before about how the people that run South African rugby have messed things up over and over again, so here’s a short re-cap.

Nick Mallet – Longest winning streak in Bok history. Fired!

Jake White – World Cup Winner – Successful wherever he goes. Fired!

Heyneke Meyer – 3rd in the world cup, narrowly lost to New Zealand in semi-final. Won 3 Super titles. Basically Fired!

Pieter de Villiers – Beat British and Irish Lions and All Blacks 3 times in one year. Fired!

Rassie Erasmus – Best rugby brain in the country, high performance manager – passed over for Coetzee and now he’s gone overseas.

Imagine if just one of these guys had been given the time and support Graham Henry and Steve Hanson have been given by the NZRU?

And so we start again, at rock bottom. The only consolation is that we actually managed to beat Australia and Argentina in South Africa. Where to from here?

Well, the first thing we need to do is bring back the aura and fear that the Springboks are meant to inspire and to do that we need to pick the right players. That means 100kg plus centres – Andre Estherhuysen and Rohan Janse van Rensburg. That means getting Frans Steyn in at flyhalf or fullback. That means picking big aggressive blindside flankers like the du Preez twins. That means getting Bismarck du Plessis back in the team at hooker.

That means aggression in everything that the team does. There is no room for self-doubt or self-pity. Win or lose the team needs to play like they mean it. Aggressive intent is the best way to describe what I’d like to see. Butch James and Bakkie Botha were good examples of the attitude required, if not the execution.

It is time to stop messing around. It is time to put the real beast back in the Springboks.



Bok Smash


The Hulk is generally considered a hazard to everyone and everything around him. He is a monster. When he is angry he is unstoppable. He is a green behemoth with juggernaut like momentum. He smashes, he bashes and all around him buildings crash…es…

He is, in short, what the Springboks are supposed to be.  As much as we’d all like to watch the Springboks win games with silky handling and sublime backline play, it just isn’t going to happen? Why? Because the Springboks are not agile like Spiderman or fast like the Flash or even smart like Batman.

No, The Springboks are big, mean and green like the Hulk.

It is time to dispense with this “expansive game-plan” folly once and for all. Harry Viljoen tried it and failed. Pieter de Villiers tried it and failed. Carel du Plessis… Well, he didn’t even last one season.

The Springboks need to be big and mean and smash opposition teams to a pulp and to that end they need to pick the right players. If I were Alistair Coetzee I’d try to select the biggest best 23 guys I could find.

In an ideal world with no transformation agenda, injuries or inept management by SARU I would pick the following squad against Australia.

  1. Stephen Kitshoff (120 kg)
  2. Bismarck du Plessis (114kg)
  3. Julian Redlinguys (110kg)
  4. Pieter Steph du Toit (114kg)
  5. Eben Etzebeth (123kg)
  6. Paul Schoeman (108kgs)
  7. Jean Luc or Dan du Preez (113kg)
  8. Duane Vermuelen (116kg) Warren Whitely (106kgs) Captain
  9. Francois Hougaard (93kg)
  10. Francois Steyn (110kg)
  11. JP Pietersen (106kg)
  12. Andre Estherhuysen (102kg)
  13. Rohan Janse van Rensberg (108kg)
  14. Willie Le roux (90kgs)
  15. Jesse Kriel (95kgs)
  16. Malcolm Marx (119kg)
  17. Beast Mtawaria (116kg)
  18. OX Nche (105kg) or Lizo Gkoboka
  19. Lood de Jager (125kg) or JP du Preez (2.09m and 115kgs)
  20. Jean Luc or Dan du Preez (113kg) or Hanro Liebenberg
  21. Faf de Klerk (66kg) (he is big in spirit)
  22. Handre Pollard (96kg)
  23. Pat Lambie (90kg) / Johan Goosen (90kg)

Now I’m not saying the Springboks shouldn’t play intelligent rugby or that they should play dirty. What I am saying is that they should play to their strengths. South Africa has a reputation for producing large, strong, hard rugby players. The Springboks have always instilled a certain apprehension in their opponents, because those opponents know that they’ll finish the match bruised and sore and with stories to tell about how they sidestepped a 120kg bus called Willem Alberts only to be hit backwards by a 110kg flyhalf…

Beauden Barrett will be a lot more wary of running at Frans Steyn and Andre Estherhuysen than say, Elton Jantjies and Juan de Jongh. Elton and Juan are solid enough tacklers but they don’t have the ability to hit guys backwards behind the advantage line.

What do they have to lose? The Rugby Championship is lost.