Tough Times for the Illuminati

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Whilst walking home from gym the other day I noticed something bizarre. Anyone who lives in South Africa has seen the crude flyers pasted to any and all available public spaces. Usually they advertise silly things like penis enlargement cream or a variety of services from the local witchdoctor, which include but are not limited to “make strong the body”, “win lotto”, “revenge against cheating husband”, “attract women to the body”, and so on and so forth. There are also more sinister ones that advertise cheap back-room abortions which should be illegal. It’s not that hard to track the people down, I mean they put their phone number on the flyer…

On this day however I saw one that stood out from the usual witchdoctors, penis creams and “safe” abortions advertisements.

The Illuminati are recruiting.

When one thinks of the Illuminati, that underground secret society of rich people who secretly control governments and the world economy, one thinks of dark underground clubs with big leather chairs and roaring fireplaces, rituals involving the sacrifice of ducks and bizarre secret handshakes that make no sense. They’ve obviously run out of seedy rich people from ancient families and are looking to recruit, hence the flyer.

To that end, I’d like to help the Illuminati with a few candidates that they should consider contacting from the world of sport.

1 – Haroon Lorgat – Chairman of Cricket South Africa. He is rich, he is shady and while I’m not sure about his family, he does have political connections that could be bent and moulded to suit the needs of the Illuminati. We know he has a direct line to the South African minister of sport.

2 – Peter Moores – England cricket coach. Now we all know a big part of the Illuminati’s modus operandi is to break down the economy so that they can buy up cheap shares after the collapse and then cash in when they increase in value again. Peter Moores has managed to take England from the number one test team in the world (however short lived) and T20 world champions to a mediocre joke of a team that can’t even beat the West Indies, a proud but currently struggling cricket team. He’d be great at crashing the economy if propped up in a government position.

3 – Jake White – Former Springbok, Brumbies, Sharks and Montpellier coach. If the economy goes down it has to go back up, otherwise the Illuminati wouldn’t be able to cash in. If you want short term success then Jake White is your man. He’ll come in, turn things around and then leave before he gets any ideas that he might be bigger than the organisation itself. They say no man is an island, but with Jake, that simply isn’t true. He does what he does and then he moves on.

4 – Finally – Richie McCaw – The Illuminati need people who can do shady things out in the open without being noticed. Richie is the ultimate illusionist when it comes to that sort of thing. He can play an opposition man from an offside position, off his feet, with his hands in the ruck illegally, whilst obstructing two more players and still escape the referee’s eye.

So there you go Illuminati, please don’t lower yourselves to the level of penis enlargement cream salesmen, witchdoctors and illegal abortionists. There are other means of recruitment that don’t involve pasted flyers in public spaces, just take a look at the sporting world and you’ll find all the talent you need.

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