Marmalade Wielding Assassins and the Springboks


Often a massive catastrophe hits without warning. It comes out of the night like an assassin with many swords and a penchant for eating his targets eyes. Everyone is surprised, at least for a while. “How could this happen?” They say, and, “I really did not see this coming.”

Thing is though, they should have seen it coming. Why? Simply because they wronged a man who was renowned for employing eye-eating assassins to do away with those that vexed him.

So six months ago a nondescript person gets into a road rage incident with a member of the marmalade mafia, known for their brutal control of the marmalade trade in and around whatever city they happen to reside in. Said nondescript person tells the marmalade mafia boss to go f*ck himself and breaks the mirror off of his black Mercedes Benz panel van. Now this boss is well known, he does not take disrespect lightly.

And there you have it. An eyeless nondescript man in a shallow pit, dead and covered in onion marmalade.

Image result for onion marmalade

And so to the Springboks in 2016.

Alistair Coetzee’s team has the worst record of any Springbok team ever…

They’ve lost games to Ireland (fair enough, they’re playing amazing rugby this year), Argentina (Boks should have won), Australia (Boks should have won), New Zealand (twice), England, and now Italy (what!), and in the process has racked up stats that not even the most pessimistic parody site could have made up before the season started.

Everything seemed to be going “okay” until that horrible day in Durban when the All Blacks, after being disrespected by a bunch of twats in the crowd singing Ole’ Ole’, of all things, during the Haka, smashed them by 57 points to 15.

That seems to be the point at which the consequences for breaking off the marmalade mafia kingpin’s metaphorical mirror came to roost. Just prior they had managed to beat Australia at Loftus. Things seemed on the up. Something must have happened in the week between games, some event, incident or conversation that sparked a rather dramatic slide into abject mediocrity.

Image result for sad springbok

The “gees” was gone… The will to play for the coach, jersey and everything else that goes with being a Springbok just didn’t seem to be there anymore. The backbone that Bok rugby is known for, that essence of power, aggression and die-hard grit was gone.

Come back Bakkies!

Image result for bakkies botha

Suddenly they were folding like a deck chair during the last quarter of their games. Suddenly they were losing to Italy, a team unlikely to challenge any decent SupeRugby side, a team that had never come within 16 points of beating a Springbok team, a team that had just copped 50 against New Zealand.

I cannot do it captain! The strain is too much!

Image result for man caught in folding deck chair

Who is to blame? What was that gees eroding incident that so utterly depleted the players’ confidence because the group of players currently wearing the Bok jersey are not bad enough to lose to Italy?

I wish I knew, then maybe this sticky mess would make more sense than my story about marmalade wielding assassins; but it doesn’t.  No amount of whining about non-existent coaching succession, player exodus, late appointments, injuries and whatever else can explain how the once mighty Springboks can lose to Italy.

SA Rugby has always had to deal with those things.

All of those players are top SupeRugby players. The Sharks had a diabolical draw and yet managed to match all the New Zealand sides and even beat the Highlanders away and the eventual champion Hurricanes at home. The Lions were in the final and deserved to be there.

It just makes no sense.



Last night I dreamed that, after Saturday’s horror show vs the All Blacks, the entire SARU board and all the so-called executives had resigned in shame and committed Seppuku.  I was ecstatic.

But then I woke up…

All those incompetent nincompoops are still employed and none of them has done the honourable thing and fallen on their own swords.

I don’t get too emotionally invested in sports results, unless I’m betting which I very rarely do. It makes no sense to tie my emotional well-being to the fortunes of a sports team. Many people do though, and I can tell you there are a lot of very angry people in South Africa after Saturday.

The Mighty Springbok has fallen, again… Not since 2002 and that horrible England loss has the Bok fan been so embarrassed.

I feel really sorry for coach Coetzee. He’s probably going to take the fall eventually. The big wigs up there at SARU certainly won’t…  Coetzee has been set up to fail from day one. He’s got a sevens player as his backline coach, and a defense coach with less experience at being a defense coach than the guy who put up the razor wire at my house the other day, and very little else. The only guy on his team that he actually wanted is Matt Proudfoot, forwards coach.

I’ve written before about how the people that run South African rugby have messed things up over and over again, so here’s a short re-cap.

Nick Mallet – Longest winning streak in Bok history. Fired!

Jake White – World Cup Winner – Successful wherever he goes. Fired!

Heyneke Meyer – 3rd in the world cup, narrowly lost to New Zealand in semi-final. Won 3 Super titles. Basically Fired!

Pieter de Villiers – Beat British and Irish Lions and All Blacks 3 times in one year. Fired!

Rassie Erasmus – Best rugby brain in the country, high performance manager – passed over for Coetzee and now he’s gone overseas.

Imagine if just one of these guys had been given the time and support Graham Henry and Steve Hanson have been given by the NZRU?

And so we start again, at rock bottom. The only consolation is that we actually managed to beat Australia and Argentina in South Africa. Where to from here?

Well, the first thing we need to do is bring back the aura and fear that the Springboks are meant to inspire and to do that we need to pick the right players. That means 100kg plus centres – Andre Estherhuysen and Rohan Janse van Rensburg. That means getting Frans Steyn in at flyhalf or fullback. That means picking big aggressive blindside flankers like the du Preez twins. That means getting Bismarck du Plessis back in the team at hooker.

That means aggression in everything that the team does. There is no room for self-doubt or self-pity. Win or lose the team needs to play like they mean it. Aggressive intent is the best way to describe what I’d like to see. Butch James and Bakkie Botha were good examples of the attitude required, if not the execution.

It is time to stop messing around. It is time to put the real beast back in the Springboks.



Bok Smash


The Hulk is generally considered a hazard to everyone and everything around him. He is a monster. When he is angry he is unstoppable. He is a green behemoth with juggernaut like momentum. He smashes, he bashes and all around him buildings crash…es…

He is, in short, what the Springboks are supposed to be.  As much as we’d all like to watch the Springboks win games with silky handling and sublime backline play, it just isn’t going to happen? Why? Because the Springboks are not agile like Spiderman or fast like the Flash or even smart like Batman.

No, The Springboks are big, mean and green like the Hulk.

It is time to dispense with this “expansive game-plan” folly once and for all. Harry Viljoen tried it and failed. Pieter de Villiers tried it and failed. Carel du Plessis… Well, he didn’t even last one season.

The Springboks need to be big and mean and smash opposition teams to a pulp and to that end they need to pick the right players. If I were Alistair Coetzee I’d try to select the biggest best 23 guys I could find.

In an ideal world with no transformation agenda, injuries or inept management by SARU I would pick the following squad against Australia.

  1. Stephen Kitshoff (120 kg)
  2. Bismarck du Plessis (114kg)
  3. Julian Redlinguys (110kg)
  4. Pieter Steph du Toit (114kg)
  5. Eben Etzebeth (123kg)
  6. Paul Schoeman (108kgs)
  7. Jean Luc or Dan du Preez (113kg)
  8. Duane Vermuelen (116kg) Warren Whitely (106kgs) Captain
  9. Francois Hougaard (93kg)
  10. Francois Steyn (110kg)
  11. JP Pietersen (106kg)
  12. Andre Estherhuysen (102kg)
  13. Rohan Janse van Rensberg (108kg)
  14. Willie Le roux (90kgs)
  15. Jesse Kriel (95kgs)
  16. Malcolm Marx (119kg)
  17. Beast Mtawaria (116kg)
  18. OX Nche (105kg) or Lizo Gkoboka
  19. Lood de Jager (125kg) or JP du Preez (2.09m and 115kgs)
  20. Jean Luc or Dan du Preez (113kg) or Hanro Liebenberg
  21. Faf de Klerk (66kg) (he is big in spirit)
  22. Handre Pollard (96kg)
  23. Pat Lambie (90kg) / Johan Goosen (90kg)

Now I’m not saying the Springboks shouldn’t play intelligent rugby or that they should play dirty. What I am saying is that they should play to their strengths. South Africa has a reputation for producing large, strong, hard rugby players. The Springboks have always instilled a certain apprehension in their opponents, because those opponents know that they’ll finish the match bruised and sore and with stories to tell about how they sidestepped a 120kg bus called Willem Alberts only to be hit backwards by a 110kg flyhalf…

Beauden Barrett will be a lot more wary of running at Frans Steyn and Andre Estherhuysen than say, Elton Jantjies and Juan de Jongh. Elton and Juan are solid enough tacklers but they don’t have the ability to hit guys backwards behind the advantage line.

What do they have to lose? The Rugby Championship is lost.


Springbok Trials


No, I don’t mean tribunals where the rugby public publicly lynch under-performing coaches and players.

What happened to the good old trial match? The simulated test match where the best 60 or so players in the country play against each other over two weeks to prove who is the best, and who is simply not going to cut the mustard…

Off the top of my head –

If I were coach I would pit the following teams against each other, based on what I’ve seen this year.

15 Johan Goosen 15 Jesse Kriel 15 Clayton Blommetjies
14 Bryan Habana 14 Courtnal Skozan 14 Travis Ismael
13 Lionel Mapoe 13 Francois Venter 13 Nico Lee
12 Rohan JVR 12 Andre Estherhuysen 12 Clinton Swart
11 Lwazi Mvovo 11 Sergeal Petersen 11 Jamba Olengo
10 Elton Jantjies 10 Pat Lambie 10 Inny Radebe
9 Faf du Plessis 9 Francois Hougaard 9 Stephan Ungerer
8 Hanro Liebenberg 8 Warren Whitely 8 Philip van der Walt
7 Jean luc Du Preez 7 Oupa Mahoje 7 Jannes Kirsten
6 Francois Louw 6 Jaco Kriel 6 Albertus Smith
5 Eben Etzebeth 5 Lood de Jager 5 Reniel Hugo
4 Franco Mostert 4 Pieter Steph du Tiot 4 Jason Jenkins
3 Vincent Koch 3 Julian Redlinghuys 3 Thomas du Toit
2 Adriaan Strauss 2 Malcolm Marx 2 Acker van der Merwe
1 Beast Mtawarira 1 Steven Kitshoff 1 Corne Fourie
16 Bongi Mbonambi 16 Chiliboy Ralapelle 16 Robbie Coetzee
17 Lourens Adriandse 17 Dylan Smith 17 Ruan Dreyer
18 Ox Nche 18 Trevor Nyakane 18 Lizo Gkboka
19 Stephan Lewies 19 RJ Snyman 19 Ruan Ackerman
20 Paul Schoeman 20 Willem Alberts 20 Roelof Smit
21 Piet van Zyl 21 Jano Vermaak 21 Rudi van Rooyen
22 Morne Steyn 22 Robert du Preez Jr 22 Niel Marais
23 Curwin Bosch 23 Andries Coetzee 23 Anthony Volmink
Players excluded –        
  Francois Steyn   Ruan Combrinck    
  Duane Vermuelen   Jan Serfontein    
  JP Pietersen   Daniel du Preez    
  Willie le Roux   Ruan Pienaar    
  Handre Pollard        
  Bismarck du Plessis        
  Jannie du Plessis        
  Coenie Oosthuysen        

The coaches would be able to mix and match combinations, see what works and what doesn’t, who is good under pressure and who isn’t. I think that is far more valuable than playing a series against Ireland for example, where you only really get to see one match-day 23 tested.

Now some might say, “But the players could get injured?”

Yes of course, but they could also get injured getting out of the shower or playing badminton or even, heaven forbid, playing Currie Cup… From the teams above it is clear that there is more than enough talent in South Africa to put together more than one competitive team and they even comply with transformation requirements for the most part.

If the players don’t like the idea then they can go home. It should be about survival of the fittest, bravest and most committed. Test match rugby is hard. Nobody ever played a Test Match against New Zealand and said afterwards, “well that was easy”. It is the pinnacle of the sport. It is where legends are made, reputations cemented and pretenders exposed.




Why are we even surprised?


Times are tough for rugby fans, unless you’re from New Zealand that is… The mighty All Blacks look unbeatable. They’ve swept aside their traditional rivals like yesterday’s newspaper.  The Springboks and Wallabies have no answer. The All Blacks are just too good.

Now I hear many people talk about how South Africa has politics to deal with and how Australian rugby union has to compete with ARL and NRL and whatever other funny sports they play in Melbourne.

Yes well, nothing has changed there. South African sport has always been awash with political meddling and Australian rugby has always had to take on other sports. So it isn’t that… What is it then? Why is New Zealand so much better these days?

To illustrate I’m going to use an example from my other favourite sport…

In 1997 Ferrari recruited a gentleman called Ross Brawn from Benetton racing, along with a certain young driver named Michael Schumacher.  They formed a formidable team, and despite being slower than the McLarens of the day, the team of Brawn and Schumacher ended up making Ferrari the most successful team of that era. Schumacher won many championships, all of them in fact, from 2000 to 2004. During that time Ferrari also had Jean Todt and Rory Byrne as part of their F1 team. They had recruited the best and then left them to do their job.

Mercedes didn’t even have a racing team at the time.

Fast forward to 2008. Ross Brawn was recruited as team principle for Honda racing. Honda pulled out and left Brawn a bit stranded so he said “screw this, I’ll make my own team”, which he did. And Jenson Button won the world championship with Brawn racing in 2009.

Brawn racing was then bought by Mercedes. Mercedes implemented a long term strategy to make the best of Ross Brawn’s talents and put in place a brilliant succession plan which is responsible for their fantastic success of the last few years. They’ve dominated F1 completely under the current set of regulations. Nobody else comes close.

But what of Ferrari, that great and passionate team that dominated under Ross Brawn? Well, their succession plan wasn’t very good. They’ve had more team principles in the last eight or so years than my brain allows me to remember. They haven’t managed a world title since Kimi Raikkonnen won it thanks to Alonso and Hamilton sabotaging each other in 2007, that despite having some of the best drivers of all time in Alonso and now Sebastien Vettel leading the driver team. There is meddling from management, no clear strategy and no clear idea of where the team is going or at least it appears that way.

And that is what has happened in rugby.

While the South African Rugby Union has made short sighted decisions and replaced entire coaching teams every four years, New Zealand rugby has had the foresight to groom coaches in a successful team environment. Steve Hanson worked under Graham Henry for eight years. They didn’t fire Henry after New Zealand were dumped out of the 2007 world cup, despite his head being demanded on a platter by many disgruntled fans. No, they kept him on, and what happened?

They got even better. They won the 2011 rugby world cup and then Hanson took over and won the 2015 world cup, and when he moves on they have Ian Foster, Wayne Smith, Chris Boyd all ready to take over, and now New Zealand, with close on twelve years of coaching continuity, are untouchable.

What about South Africa then?

Let’s start in 2004, I could go even back further to Nick Mallet but that would take too long and you’d all get bored.

South African rugby appointed Jake White as Springbok coach. He put together a good coaching team and built up a squad of players that ended his tenure as the most capped Springbok team ever. He made the inspired decision to appoint Jon Smit as captain. He developed world beating combinations like the lock pair of Victor Matfield and Bakkie Botha and centres Jean de Villiers and Jaque Fourie. He made Bryan Habana a worldwide superstar.

His pragmatic approach involved using the traditional strengths of South African Rugby to build a team that was feared the world over and emerged triumphant at the 2007 Rugby World Cup…  The sky was the limit; South African rugby was on the verge of returning to greatness.

And then the geniuses that run South African rugby fired him…

Pieter de Villiers was then appointed ahead of White’s assistant Alistair Coetzee and Bulls coach Heyneke Meyer.

The 2011 World Cup ended with South Africa losing to Australia in a game that I still consider one of the biggest robberies of all time. Referee Bryce Lawrence lost his contact lenses (and his mind) and completely missed a blatant shoulder charge into Heinrich Brussow’s ribs by Dan Vickerman and ALL of the rules pertaining to the breakdown area allowing Australia to spoil and break every rule known to man with being penalized.

But I digress. South Africa didn’t win the world cup…

And then the geniuses that run South African rugby fired Pieter de Villiers.

Enter Heyneke Meyer, the man who coached the Bulls from Pretoria to unprecedented success.

2015 world cup, Springboks finished third, narrowly losing to New Zealand in the semi-final.

And then the geniuses that run South African rugby fired / forced Heyneke Meyer to resign and took their sweet time appointing his successor. The same Alistair Coetzee that had been Jake White’s assistant, the same man they should have appointed in 2008…

Every time SARU makes a decision, the Springboks had to start again. New coach, new assistant coaches, new gameplan, new captain…

So, like Ferrari, the foundation for unprecedented success was laid, but thanks to short sighted decisions and meddling from people who have no business running a corner café, never mind a national rugby union. South African rugby has gone backwards.

It’s no wonder people in New Zealand are lamenting the lack of competition. They’ve moved forwards but everyone else has either stayed still or gone backwards.  There is no continuity in South African rugby coaching and zero foresight. The people running it are buffoons and are frankly not capable of doing any better. Had they kept Jake White as coach, South Africa could well have won two more world cups and kept pace with the forward thinking New Zealanders. Instead they replace coaches more often than most people replace cars and then give those coaches impossible to achieve performance criteria, whilst limiting their decision making ability.

It doesn’t matter who they appoint. It is the organisation that is stifling progress. It is the organisation that is holding them back. It is the organisation that simply doesn’t know what the hell they are doing.